apocalypse

Waiting for the Zombie Apocalypse – OR – what to expect when you’re expecting (the undead)

We all know the world is going to end at the dirt-encrusted fingernails of the undead throngs. We all have our contingency plans. It’s a forgone conclusion that we must fight to survive. So, what do we do while waiting for the ravenous corpses to unearth themselves and pillage the world?

In the first few days after the zombie uprising, folks will be running around like proverbial headless chickens. The key to survival in this period is just to keep your head on – and down. For about 48-96 hours, the hordes of undead will be sucking brains and tearing flesh on anything milling about. It will be chaos, kind of like the first snowstorm of the season when everyone forgets how to drive for a while. Be smart and stay out of sight. Fortify silently and unseen. Zombies have a shelf life, which most people forget. Outlast them until they fall apart.

Next, will be the “dog-eat-dog” phase, where those smart enough to survive will fight each other for meager resources. You need to defend what you have, but know when to cut and run. There are always more strongholds to secure. If you can’t defend, it is time to flee. Survivors will find the path of least resistance – which can be to take what you left behind if you decide to run. There are no heroes in the apocalyptic nightmare. This can last anywhere from one week to a year after the onset of Armageddon. Eventually, even the most nomadic raiders have to settle down.

The third phase is what will get even the most steadfast of survivors. Boredom. Once you’ve defending your shopping mall stronghold, what’s next? Best to think about that ahead of time or you might find yourself opening the padlocked gates and letting the undead chase you around just for kicks and grins. Not smart.

Electronics are the Devil. Yep. I said it. We are all drawn in by the glowing screens and buzzing portable devices OF DEATH. You can’t ride out the end of your days addicted to something that makes you as brainless as the ravenous throngs outside your makeshift blockades. Even before the undead rose, I would look around and see zombie-like creatures with their noses magnetically attached to smart phones, iPads, and the like. I have had lunch with a group of friends, all of which cannot turn off or even put down those devices to carry out a normal conversation. Sucked in by evil. All of it. Avoid the Devil.

You can’t plug in these things after the grid goes down. Satellites in orbit need monitoring and management. The Internet is not going to be around, folks, when the zombies come. Best get used to it. You will be living in a world without electronics. I would like to amass objects that intrinsically defy electricity. Things like books. Games. Raw materials used to create. Tools. These things will be invaluable during the zombie apocalypse. They will keep you from going mad.

As a writer, one of the best things I can have during the Armageddon is an old fashioned, manually (not electric!) typewriter. Some ribbon, paper and hey – I can create my own entertainment. Better yet, I can use my skill to trade for goods in the open market. Original stories will be good as gold once 99% of the world’s writers are taken out by the undead. Hey, I can dream, right?

So, to wrap up…creativity is a gift from God. Electronics are the Devil. Zombies will eat you, but fall apart easily under normal wear and tear. People will kill you to get what is yours, defend what’s yours or run away accordingly. Your own worst enemy is boredom, so prepare for it now while you wait for the zombie apocalypse.

IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT

All good things must come to an end, ladies and gentlemen.  CreepyGram and the Mourning Show examines this eventuality in a trio of totally true tales today.  Stories that show how the civilization of man crumbles like a sandcastle at high tide.  As they say, life’s a beach.

There are many ways the world may end.  First on that list is the porcine apocalypse.  Yes, it’s all reflected IN A PIG’S EYE.  Zombies have long been the culprit on the way things go down.  But what if it isn’t just the rising undead but an unhealthy dependence on technology that contributes to the end of times?  Find out how that looks in OPERATION RAZOR WIRE.  Thirdly, another implausible force of finality.  Light and fluffy FOAM takes over.  No, it ain’t those scrubbing bubbles.  This is something worse.

Charlie Barker will return next time.  Assuming, of course, that the world doesn’t end before then.  If it doesn’t, please come back to the Circus of the Unknown.